SLEEPING AROUND (Moments from a Road Comic's Life)

I've now been a road comic for more than five years. As I look back on my career so far, the time spent on stage has been amazing! But on the nights when there's no show while on the road, finding a place to sleep has been just as....memorable.

As mentioned in an earlier post, bookers and clubs usually only provide lodging on the nights you have a show. Unless you can find gigs for the other nights, comics are left to their own devices to find a place to stay.

Even the least expensive dive motel is going to empty $40 a night out of your earnings. Multiply that by five, and you could spend $200 for lodging on the non-show nights each week. Add to that the cost of car rental, gas, food, and airfare -- well, it doesn't take a math whiz to figure out that a feature act who makes $100 per show is going to have a tough time covering expenses. Forget about actually MAKING any money -- I feel blessed if I manage to break even!

So I sleep in my car. Here's the routine: Fly to the Midwest (or East Coast, or South, or wherever I have a few weeks of shows lined up), pick up my rental car, and drive to Walmart to buy a $5 blanket and a $3 pillow for those nights when I need to sleep reclining in the driver's seat of the car.

"No, Sharon!! That's dangerous!!" I can hear you screaming in horror. Well, here are some other alternatives I've tried:

* Posted an ad on Craigslist in the town where I was going to be, looking for a couch to sleep on. When the guy didn't show up at the appointed time...or ever...I was stuck with nothing.

* Met a sweet, well dressed elderly woman in a park who kindly invited me to sleep on her couch. Turns out she's a hoarder...with a dog that isn't potty trained (the stench!)...and a colony of mice that scuttled around all night.

* Was smuggled onto an army base, so I could stay in the empty women's barracks for three nights. This was perfect, except for feeling guilty about evading national security and risking being thrown in jail if discovered.

* A couple playing pool at the table next to mine offered to get me a hotel room and give me $100...if they could spend the night with me. Ew. No.

* Sometimes comics in other parts of the country will let you sleep on their couches. Which would be great, if they weren't mostly bachelors...who apparently have a lower gag threshold than I do when it comes to cleanliness. I'm actually not all that picky, but a bathtub ring is one thing; a totally gray bathtub that's supposed to be white is another. And using a back issue of Penthouse for toilet paper just seems.....weird.

The only real drawback to occasionally sleeping in my car, other than the obvious lack of safety and a shower, is the embarrassment of being awakened at 3am by a cop banging his flashlight on my window, asking me what the heck I think I'm doing.

A small sacrifice when following your dream.